What Scott and Dan do when they’re bored? They email companies and Ann Landers in broken English, hoping for advice and free samples. It seems funny now. Will it be so when I wake?

To Wilson Tennis Racquets-

Hola Wilson Employee:

I am see no badminton part of your land here. I am look Badminton or shuttlecock but find none. How to find green one for girlfriend? Much the help like.

Cheers,
Your friend always,
Sven

To Ann Landers-

Hello to you Ann. Help me with this one, I know you can. Pleasing to be knowing you. Am asking this through the email for you to be helping me please. Sven met girl at badminton camp and Sven go with her three times now. Georgina wants sex, but I wait for spring season. Coach says no sex during season Sven. I listen to coach but Georgina says she’ll get sex somewhere else if I don’t give her. What is best? Mother says Sven thirty Sven have head in wagon.

All help good, sorry you died.
Your friend always,
Sven Sven Sven.

Sven’s profile for future emails-

• misses his father’s horses and mother’s boxcake.
• born of good means, sheltered and naive of the harsher realities of the world, but he’s no simpleton, he has a strong ethic and classic old world wisdom and charm, truthful ness code of honor,
• committed of badminton, amateur status but quite good
• residing in fort Lauderdale Florida and working on a degree at the university.
• single
• good teeth
• healthy
• collects timepieces, especially analog, antiques.
• sails small boats and prefers to travel by canal rather than road.
• writes mother once a week, but mother can’t read. (father reads to mother)
• recently independent financially, having a tough time.
• unsure of status with Georgina
• volunteers in a soup kitchen every other Sunday
• taking an EASL course, and is progressing nicely, if slowly.

Nighty night, dear journal.