starring Ernie (Jim Henson) and Bert (Frank Oz)

Ernie comes up, tapping Bert, who was reading, on the shoulder unexpectedly.

Ernie: “Hey Bert, it’s–”

Bert: “-Aak-Eek-Aak!–”

Ernie: “–time for our checker game.” (Ernie looks apologetic.)

Bert: “Oh Ernie, you scared me! I thought you weren’t here.”

Ernie: “Well maybe I’m not then.”

Bert: “What do you mean?”

Ernie: “You’re usually right about most things, Bert.”

Bert: (modest) “Welllllllll …”

Ernie: “And if you think I’m not here … then maybe I’m not!”

Bert: “Good! If you’re not here, Ernie, then I can go back to reading my book.”

(Bert does go read for about two seconds, as Ernie starts to get worried.)

Ernie: “But the question is … If I’m not here …”

Bert: (to himself) “Oh no …”

Ernie: (worried) “… then … Where Am I?”

Bert: “It’s going to be one of those days.”

(Ernie gets a pair of binoculars and looks out the window with them)

Bert: “Ernie … (irritated) Ernie, what are you doing?”

Ernie: “I’m looking for me, Bert! (pause) I thought I might be out taking a walk on Sesame Street, but I don’t see me anywhere. (pause) Then if I’m not out on Sesame Street —- I must be Lost!!”

Bert: “I don’t believe this.”

Ernie: “I’m lost! (he’s really upset by now) Out there, all alone, wandering through some spooky forest, or down some lonesome road … This is terrible! (starts to cry) I’ll never see me again!”

Bert: “Ernie!”

Ernie: (sniff) “I miss me!”

Bert: “Ernie, will you stop that! Now, I can prove to you that You Are Here. Now, get our hand mirror. (Ernie picks it up.) Now, what’s that?”

Ernie: “Oh, it’s a mirror.”

Bert: “No, no, I mean look inside!”

Ernie: (looks in the mirror) “I see … me, Bert! That’s me in the mirror, Bert!”

Bert: “Right! And if you see yourself in the mirror , that means–”

Ernie: “That means I must be Here! Gee, thanks, Bert! (smiles at the reflection) I missed me! (Ernie then goes back to Bert, tapping him on the shoulder as before) Hey Bert. it’s time–”

Bert: “Aak-Eek-Aak!”

Ernie: ” … for our checker game! I’m here!”

Bert: (angry) “Ernie, we can not play checkers!”

Ernie: “Why not, Bert? I’m here!”

Bert: (angry) “That’s right, you’re here, Ernie! BUT I’M NOT!” (marches out and slams door, leaving Ernie rather surprised.)