No one ever says, “I want to be a junky when I grow up.” And no one ever says, “I want to be a communistic politician when I grow up and make laws regulating people’s lifestyles.” And if you don’t think we have those, ask one of your gay friends if he’s married. You do know we as the people paid someone to make sure that couldn’t happen, right? I think it’s money well spent. Just think of all the gay marriage related deaths that have been prevented by those laws. Hell, it was getting as bad as all those marijuana related homicides. I guess I wasn’t around during prohibition, but I thought the lesson we learned from that sitcom of a decade was, “Don’t make laws nobody wants to follow and you can’t enforce anyway.” I’m not even really into drugs, but if I ever had the urge to go lick a toad to see colors, that shouldn’t really bug anyone. But I think I’m different from the lawmakers in this country. I have thumbs.

In an unrelated story, this baby can dig holes at an incredible rate and is destined to lead us to an underground utopia and a new age of enlightenment. Perhaps that’s why he is known to the children as Ultrababy X.