This morning I get up late. (nice long snooze. felt good…it was needed.) I wake up about 11ish, and notice April is still in the house. She’s not interested in going out to get something to eat, instead opts to drop $16 on a bucket of delivered chicken and a 2 liter of soda. (Mind you, she only has a couple of bucks socked away to find another apartment, pay bay $0 to her old roomies, etc.) To add insult to injury, after getting out of the shower this morning, I went through my posckets to gather my cash together. It wasn’t there. Upset, I begin to dig through my laundry basket, on the off-chance that it fell out of my pocket. No dice. Visibly irritated, I plop down on thne floor, and begin to go through all my stuff inch by inch until I can dig up my money. The first thing I do is check all the pockets of all the clothes in the basket, including my Khaki’s agin, on the off chance I missed it the first time. April asks what’s going on, and I tell her that some how my money has magically vanished from my clothes-pockets. She asks if I maybe left it at work, but that’s impossible as I took a cab home last night, and had to pay the guy. Getting more angry by the moment, I start to go through things. again. She offers to help, and I tell her no thanks, unless she can find something that’s not there. while my back is to her, she asks where I had it last, and I tell her again, that it was in my khakis, and she reccomends that I look again. I tell her that it would be pointless, as I’ve looked twice already. I look anyway, and lo and behold! My money is there. I confront her, and ask “Did you take it and put it back? Just tell me the truth” she denies it, and gets angry, and goes to take a shower. In the meantime, I’m really mad. If anyone asks me for money, I give it, freely, and don’t worry about it’s return. I figure this is the third “BIG LIE” I’ve caught her in, the first two being about job hunting, and not going through my stuff, not to mention the high probability of her going to the school the other day being a lie, just due to her being home so early. As I left for work, she was straightening up her things, and I hope that it means that she’s going to be gone when I get home. (Ideally, only her things will be gone, as I have the numbers of her parents, ex-roomies, boss, and so on in my palm, and on the computer. God help her if she rips me off. I’m still angry, but I think I’ll feel lots better if I get home and there’s nobody there. I’m going to call my buddy up now and see about changing locks, etc.
Tag Archives: april
Workworkwork!!!!
First off, thanks, mootpoint for adding me to your friends list! I’ve enjoyed your stuff for quite a while. 🙂
Second. April sounded sincere yesterday when she said she’d look for an apartment today. I was home until 2pm, and she didn’t even get as far as changing out of her jammies. Fair enough, it’s her day off, but I feel a bit upset that she’s not making the effort. Ah well, She’ll have considerably more $$ in 2 weeks, and if I have to, I’ll find her a place myself. I just don’t want to get into my standard catch-22. (Here’s some help, I don’t want help!, Well do it yourself! Don’t tell me what to do! Ack.) I can feel the confrontation coming, I’ll just gently push for a while, so it won’t be totally unexpected, but I still feel like I’m being used. Feh.
third. I swear, I’m so delighted at the amount of support I’ve gotten from a number of you folks over the last little while. You guys really brighten my day, and bring me much joy in an otherwise dreary day. ***Big Hugs to Allayas***
Well, hours later I finally ordered supper… saw Scary Movie, and it was pretty weak, if you’ve seen all of the commercials, which show the majority of the funny bits. The rest was fairly mean-spirited, but there was one or two clever twists on the ‘scream’ theme. Overall, I’d give it 1/2 star, no stars if you’ve seen the commercials.
what to do, what to do…
the shop here on the homefront is already dark, and my roommate is in bed. I’m just up chatting online with the lovely and talented Erin, while munching on a peanut butter bagel. Aprils listening to her new tape, otherwise laying there quietly. Newton left my lap for the windowsill, even though it’s dark out… I imagine he wanted more stable footing.After gabbing, I now want to get back more into music. I think I’ll pick up a recorder too… something more quiet than the loudies I play. maybe something hand-sized. (a guitar is great, too.. )
Will wonders never cease?
April paid me back the $5 I gave her the other day for smokes. It appears that she got $400 paycheck, bought some videos(?!?) , a carton of smokes, and trinkets at the girly-store. *and* Vacuumed the apt, which really needed it. Good. A good side of her being here. I was needing one. Now, for her to find a place of her own. Soon. She was having trouble sleeping tonight and has to work tomorrow. She now has the $$$ to take her happy self wherever. I’ll be interested in seeing if she buys food to share here, as she’s been consuming my supplies left and right, or if she gets April-centric goods. I hope it’s the latter, as I don’t want to be blamed for “why she couldn’t do it”, etc.
hmm…
Well, April says didn’t find the school she was going to register for yesterday, and also claims that her mom has breast cancer. I don’t know if it’s true, or if it’s just a story to soften me up and cut her slack about staying at my apartment. 🙁 It’s an efficiency, and there simply isn’t the room for two people that aren’t happy being smooshed close. I think I’m going to go online and call around for apartments for her.
This was in my old journal… It reminded me to chill out. :)
Thought. (11 Weeks ago)
This was told to me be CB. It’s pretty insightful, so I figured I’d share it.
Whenever someone makes you feel hurt or angry, it is a gift. It is an opportunity to look in yourself and see *why* you feel that way. Because, in reality, nobody can *make* you feel anything. That person just triggered something inside you (probably from your past). When you feel the anger, it’s an opportunity to look at that trigger and DECIDE how you want to react…instead of letting past issues make the decision for you.
That really made me think, and I’m glad it did. I have no real reason to be angry or upset, and what’s more, I saw it coming for about a month. A week (or less) from now, April will be living somewhere else, and I’ll be able to analyse more clearly and keep myself much happier.
On looking at my old journal, the relationship lasted all of 14 weeks. A quarte year, and there was a lot of fun, especially in the first month living together, and the courtship period. My next endeavor should be better because of what I’ve learned this time around. 🙂
singing precious, overlooking the years, there’s a storm coming, aye.
Hum. I officially started my workout regimen this morning, mainly so I could get up and out of the apartment. Surprising as it was, it wasn’t oppressively warm out and the hour I spent walking was very helpful in ‘clearing the cobwebs’ of early morning waking. I noticed that not many people out and about were friendly, with a couple of pleasnat exceptions. I waved and said “Good Morning” to about 10 passers-by, and I got approximatly 7 no-replies, one person crossing the street to avoid me (I’m honestly not that scary!!) and two folks that smiled/waved, or said “‘Mornin!” I don’t know, but the friendly people made up for the stinky ones, maybe because I dealt with them last. On the return loop of my trip, I picked up some tasty food from my local grocer… I *love* morningstar farms stuff… Vegetarian Hot dogs! (Not like there’s much meat in regular weiners anyhow, but they taste good to me) Very low in fat to boot, got some good granny smith apples, bagels, nummy cornflakes (which I like to eat dry as a snack while watching the tube), and sundry items, not the least of which was a packet of ant-traps. I hate to kill the critters, but unless they pay rent, provide a service or give me love, they’re not welcome in my home for any extended peroiod of time. (Same goes for anything else, come to think of it. Friendship counts as love, though. 🙂 ) Anyway, the apartment is trapped, and I had to find a way to place them so Newton wouldn’t get at the traps and turn them into “Kitty toys full o’ Poison”… very tricky. Newton, by the way has figured out my situation with April and is being extra affectionate with me (either that, or He was just very happy to have me home all day yesterday, and was super-snuggly) by playing all day, and napping on my chest when I went to sleep midday. Newtie rocks… when I roll to the side, he nuzzles up, and when I go back on my back, he climbs onto my chest again. I really love that dang cat.
Blame Missile
Tonight I felt a screaming pang of guilt because I stood up for myself and did as I felt I needed to do. It was as though acting within reason is no longer tolerable, as though some kind of hidden schedule needs to be followed without any chance for preparation. It was also as though because I had previously made grievous errors in judgment, now in order to resolve those errors I was being required to make further errors, and I saw myself spinning endlessly if I followed that path, and so I put an end to it (again), and once again, a pang of guilt came screaming across me; as though someone else’s feelings could somehow be a missile of blame, as though I couldn’t or shouldn’t allow myself to do anything that left me feeling at the very least, comfortable. All I wanted to do was get some rest, but I ended up too angry to move, too furious to sleep; I am not yet in control of my programs, my emotions still yet rule me even if they never escape the four walls of my skin. My defenses are low, I feel physically exhausted and emotionally spent, and of course, the onslaught of reality never stops, really. I gotta figure this out, come to peace with myself, I gotta stop fighting fire with fire and blame with blame, and allow myself to take responsibility for feeling good; as the lyric goes, “I’m okay when everything is not okay.”
Tonight I came this close to severance. Some day I’ll have courage enough to try to make sense when I talk about my feelings. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe in a couple of minutes.
the more things change…
Well, it looks like April will be moving out in about a week instead of yesterday, like I had hope/planned. Apparently, the folks at her old apartment don’t want her back, and I can’t kick her to the curb, as it were. So, She’s going to look for rooms for rent around where she’ll be going to school in october. A good idea, I think, better’n living at CSC, anyhow, and I would rather her live someplace comfortable then out and about. So, We’ll see. I’m hoping this won’t be too difficult, and that she doesn’t take advantage, and make a week turn into a month. (She gets a biggie paycheck this friday, so I think she’ll move easiyl next weekend.) I’m not going to take any $$$ from her, even if she does offer it, I’ll tell her to put it towards school or her apt.
In other news, we were doin glaundry together this morning, and we saw an ad for free black kittens. I think newton could use a little pal, and I’d enjoy another little fuzz-bucket kicking around the apartment. Any ideas on names? My trend has been to name for scientists & cool historical figures. Newton…. maybe another physics guy to go with? Schrodinger? Escher? I dunno.
quotes heard this week for folks.
Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife… Doomed is your soul and damned is your life!
(Computer lab. Pal Bheesham getting irritated at the programming manager)
Sometimes I do what I want to do, The rest of the time, I do what I have to.
Quantis (From Gladiator)
Richard Nixon, rejected by the Coca-Cola company, went to work for Pepsi — on whose business he was in Dallas on November 22, 1963. JFK drank Coke. Cola Wars as Secret Struggles? Why did Lee Harvey Oswald drink a Dr. Pepper before making his getaway? (Ken Hite, babbling about conspiracy again… freaky thing is that it’s true!)
last one – on girl trouble.
Be flexible.
A kite flies on a string, not a stick.
-Tino’s mom.
Wow, I could see your lips moving, but it was like “blah-blah-blah-blah”, or something.
-Tino
Finality.
Well, April and I have broken up, amicably. I was feeling used and she says she was feeling like she was obliged to me. I don’t think we’ll continue to room together, as I don’t feel I could handle it, and I think she only wants to room with me for the cable, smaller rent bill, internet and access to Newton. Heck with that. Even though I would enjoy having the cost break in rent and food, I don’t think I would deal well with a friend I used to have sex with living under my roof and sharing my bed (just to sleep in). Man. Sakes.
More tummy trouble.
Man, I feel lousy. I don’t like where I am right now, relationship-wise, and job-wise things could be better. I keep forgetting about the hard parts of a relationship, and now my petty mind is harping on all the little chafe-y things that bother me when I’m not love-drunk. Honestly, I was getting by well enough alone, but being with someone is nice, too. I know she’s got some sort of family issues, with both parents. I don’t know, maybe her behaivior comes from there. The thing is, I don’t care where certain behaiviors start from, I just want postive stuff to continue, and negative stuff to cease. Deception and fear only hurt. And I’m feeling pretty low…
Trouble Brewing for Scotto…
Well, either I made a positive step last night, or I screwed up big time. I confronted April about her feelings for me, basically asked her where she thought we stood. She reacted poorly, as I told her that I was feeling frustrated and less than equal in our relationship. I may have gone over the line when I asked if she was using me. (I really can’t tell sometimes what is better asked directly, and what is better phrased diplomatically. I know I prefer someone to shoot straight with me.) Lately it’s seemed that I’ve been actively giving, and she actively taking, but not much on the reverse flow. Before I commit to falling for her any more than I already have, I want to know that my affection is reciprocated, and that she’s not just in this for room and board. Honestly, why can’t I find someone who gives as well as they get? Am I just being too needy? Feh. For what it’s worth, it’s been fun having someone to go out with, and talk to late into the night, but I want something that feels more genuine. I guess the next day or so will hold the answers.
I’ll try to be more entertaining next post, honest.
Vroom
I thought I spent yesterday driving through the night, my eyes on fire, burning into the heart of your love, but April told me I just passed out listening to Whitesnake.