My buddy Rik told me a story about when he was at the opening night of a multi-story trendy downtown bistro in Texas. During remodeling and reconstruction the attic had been open to the elements for awhile and bats had nested in the eaves. Then they got shut in just before the opening.

So there’s the cream of Austin society hobnobbing, then suddenly hordes of bats come through swooping and darting through the festivities and dropping guano with no respect for social standing. Pandemonium.

I wonder if these bats are left over from the WWII US Bat-Kamikaze Corps?

During WWII, someone (possibly in the OSS) got the bright idea of strapping time-detonated magnesium bombs to bats. The plan was to airdrop them from a plane over Japan. The bats would swoop down (scaring the AA gun crews half to death), and roost under the eaves of buildings. Then they would all simultaneously explode, to the severe detriment of the buildings.

A large swarm of bats was caught (an adventure in itself, probably carried out by DG personnel who wondered if this was why they had been transferred from ONI to OSS), and fitted with the bombs. Then it was time for the test!

Apparently, there must have been two tests, for I’ve heard two different accounts of what happened…

1. The bats were released from the B-29, and came swooping down, avoiding the fake Japanese fortress constructed as a target, and instead taking refuge in several large wooden temporary structures of a (fortunately unoccupied) nearby Army facility. Not all of the Suicide Bat Commandos were rounded up before the bombs went off. (That part of the scheme worked just fine, by the way!) (OOPS!)

2. The USAAF did a high-altitude drop of its kamikaze Bat-Paratroops. Unfortunately, the bats passed out from the thin air and cold, plummeted to earth, and didn’t wake up before the ground hit them between the ears… (OOPS!)

Due to either or both of the above problems, the Suicide Bat Commandos were disbanded, and the military shifted to more conventional weapons, such as Little Boy and Fat Man.

The Suicide Bat Commandos could be reorganized today, however… There are still plenty of bats around, especially in Texas, and plenty of Kamikaze Batbombs to equip them with. Ways could be found to protect the bats during transit in a B-2 (http://www.fas.org/nuke/guide/usa/bomber/b-2.htm) (which is the only plane for the job — due to its design), and they could be trained to not only seek out caves, but to home in on the scent of the gun oil used for AK-47s (like that one Osama is so often filmed with)! Billionaire Bruce Wayne could be offered a temporary commission in the US Military to oversee their training!

In fact, if Transylvania is an ally in the fight vs. the terrorists, some vampire bats could be recruited for the fight! These would put the foes in double danger — they would drink their blood, and later explode!

However, it is important to note that “two can play at this game”! Afghanistan is honeycombed with its own caves, presumably populated by bats, as well as by Taliban and terrorists. The US might have to face the Taliban Bat-Martyr Force!

Quick, to the Batplane!

Now one of my life’s ambitions is to release clouds of bats at Spago. It will be glorious.