May 12, 2000

So much has happened in the past 3 weeks. Where to begin? Hmmm.. I guess my first todo is apologize to myself (and anyone else who reads this sill thing) for not staying on top of it more diligantly. For what it’s worth, I have a new program (action names) for the Palm, and it has a journal feature, so I can just scribble away whenever the mood strikes me.

I’ll transcribe some of the meatier elements form there the next time I sync up at the house. Ok… now that the semi-pleasantries are out of the way… On to bigger news. AT has been staying with me at the apartment for the vast majority of the time these last couple of weeks. We went to disney with my friends the hippie-folk (whom I love dearly, the B’s especially) and I finally met D’s pal L. AT adopted a Kitten, and he’s living at my place, too. Newton gets along with him ok, but plays too rough with him sometimes. New Kitten is black & white splotched, and is named Fritz.

My relationship with AT is going mostly well, but I did catch her in a deliberate fib to me… my feelings were hurt, and I confronted her with it… I don’t imagine it’ll happen again. For her sake, I still will assume a level of trust, but if it happens again, I don’t know where my head’ll be. I care for her very much, and I just hope I’m not too much more head over heels for her than vice-versa. Her relationship history has been rather rough, and I’m guessing that I might be the first worthwhile person she’s had a relationship with. I don’t think that she’s too emotionally hurt to make for a good relationship, and I don’t mind too much that we’re going relatively slow. I think I caught a cold from her via PC (CP? not sure how to abbreviate the name.)

Going to see One flew over the Cukoo’s nest with RC and AT this sunday, and DC/RH Saturday for a movie. Sat nite is AT and me at the hippies place for a going away party for DW… I’ll miss her, she’s a sweetie. She just got a great tattoo of a butterfly on her back that sister CB drew, has Kenya’s name in it & a stylised “sister” as well. I have loads of pix from disney… and the butterfly is included in there (I hope it came out). That, and I gave AT a dried rose from the haunted mansion…

I walked into an ice cream parlor and saw this flyer for a rubber stamp party on the wall. It should be blamed for most of what you are reading right now. No matter how I picture the events of a rubber stamp party, It scares me to death. I can’t explain the visions of madness in my head, but imagine a mariachi band made up of midgets building penis shaped sand castles and reciting welding part shipping lists. That’s as close as I can come. The party’s real bonus for me would be to hear the saga of Jo Ann Trail as she discusses her year in Saudi Arabia. She’ll probably have fun anecdotes about the time she was sold for half a camel, or second hand stories from the nice old man she sat next to on the plane. Oh, I hope she dresses up in the black arab ninja chick outfit and brings those fun slides! All stupid shit aside, It should be painfully obvious to anyone that this is just a bad front for an Amway recruiting party. After JoAnn is done showing off her new toll painting, she exits and returns with a white board. Then she starts giving speeches about impending financial success while drawing a very convincing pyramid of circles. “It sounds fascinating! But can even an introverted person with birth defects like me make money with it?” asks the fat woman JoAnn paid twenty dollars to earlier. After a couple more hours of circle drawing and estrogen, the entire room signs up to buy a warehouse full of window cleaner. And JoAnn smiles to herself. She knows that 2% of the net profit from every ninth bottle of Windex gets split between her and only 132 other people. “I will soon be rich,” she thinks out loud with a small cackle. The rest of the room is too busy planning their future summer homes to hear her. Anyway, after I read the flyer, I knew I had to have it. It was a few days old, but I thought it would be polite to ask the ice cream scooping girl if I could keep it. She looked like she spoke English, but I must have had to repeat my question four or five times. I’ve found there is no one more confused than a food service worker when you ask them about something that doesn’t involve food. So after a series of blank stares and “ums,” I asked the same question in frat. I said, “Hey, uhhh…could I get this flyer to help me and my frat fund our trip to Canada? I’m a Delta Iota Kappa, and we get like 25 cents? for every rubber stamp flyer we can find. Yeah, we’re havin’ a big rubber stamp rager this weekend. It’s gonna fuckin’ rule. Full kegs. Shit. You know, if you came, I could almost guarantee you’ll get your tits grabbed. Here’s one free sexual harassment card. What do ya think? Free beer for chicks. Bring like 20 friends.” Something inside her finally started working, and she smiled and asked, “What frat again?” That’s when I grabbed the flyer and leapt through a plate glass window to make my escape.

Apr 20, 2000

Somehow AT is making use of Urban league to pay for her school? I was under the impression it was an african american organisation, but perhaps it helps everyone in need… how refreshing that would be! AT is of british and Chippewaw(sp?) indian descent, maybe that’s how it works? I would prefer it was more for someone that was part of a low-income community. I feel that’s a more appropriate way of handling the situation. AT’s been living at a very low level of income, at least for the last few months, changing now that she’s found a better job at BOL in addition to the GT. more to follow… time for me to get back to work.

Apr 14, 2000

This was told to me be CB. It’s pretty insightful, so I figured I’d share it. Whenever someone makes you feel hurt or angry, it is a gift. It is an opportunity to look in yourself and see *why* you feel that way. Because, in reality, nobody can *make* you feel anything. That person just triggered something inside you (probably from your past). When you feel the anger, it’s an opportunity to look at that trigger and DECIDE how you want to react…instead of letting past issues make the decision for you.

Apr 14, 2000

Well.. let’s see. Current projects are: Clean the apartment, make room for a visitor. (Visitors are something I’ve avoided competantly for the last year or more, as there’s practically no room in the apartment. However, AT has no cable at her place, and roommates. So, if I plan to ply her with my masculine wiles and liberal applications of the cartoon network, I’m obliged to clean up the joint.) Hopefully I can ge the place pristine by Sunday. I must be gaga over the girl, as I want to steam the carpets, even. Who knows? I might even end up keeping the place not a mess for a while. (At least as long as I’m actively dating…) My only real dilemma is to find a way to store all my stuff! I seem to accumulate at a frightening pace all sorts of things specifically designed for Newton to smack around all over the house. (I still don’t know how he managed to get my viking boat off of the top shelf of my closet to under my computer…It’s totally unwieldy, and was behind other stuff up there.) In other AT news, date 4 went swimmingly, and #5 is tomorrow, and #6 is planned for Sunday already. I need to remind myself to call Emage and let ’em know that either I’ll be missing them on Sunday, or maybe taking AT along for the ride. AT’s not happy with her name, and was considering change… I rather like it, but her chosen alternates are good, too. I sort of dig Octavia as a name… Greek/Latin/Hebrew names seem to be my personal favorite. Rachael, Cassandra, Elizabeth all have nice sounds to them too, and have good nicknames. I’m still a little floaty from the additional dopamine, adrenaline, and testosterone in the system due to my current romantic interests. Some minor ‘warning signs’ have come up, but like anything else, all things are surmountable if folks are willing to put effort into a fix. Speaking of which, things are rather quiet on the AIM front, not sure where things stand there, given last week’s quandry re:H. I’m assuming no worries, but the news front has been semi-quiet. More as I know it, Dear Journal. p.s. Got all the clothing I was looking to get, just need shoesies and maybe 2 more sets o’boxers. Type to you later, bub.

Apr 7, 2000

on the upside, I got paid today, talked to AT every day this week, and saw movies with friends. Today’s film was Rules of Engagement, with D as my co-hort. movie rated about a 5 out of 10, nothing dreadful, but not great either. I got close to falling asleep in the flick during one of the courtroom scenes, but I don’t blame the movie, I’m pretty tired. Tomorrow I go clothes shoping with AT, before she hits work. I need some boxers, and a couple replacements for worn out pants/shirts. Sat nite, I’ll probably catch the John Cusak flick, maybe take AT out after work too. Sunday is Stomp. I’m still surprised that it was easier to organise the hippies than emage into going to that, but it’s just as well… half the emage gang would’ve missed out anyhow due to moving or family obligation. Elements of my dating life are coming back to haunt me, patterns that I’d forgotten. I’m eating less, waking up earlier in the day, or having mildly fitful sleep. Visions of unknowable futures of married life already in my skull, regardless of what I tell myself about “It’s only been a week, you dingaling!” Fantasies of what’s to come (or not) in the relationship, wondering what all of the parts of that are like. What would it be like living with her? If we had kids, how would they look/act? What side of the bed should I take? Does this mean I should get a car, dispite my misgivings? Things like that echo in my head, for hours on end, and I can’t seem to shake ’em. I can conjure memories of her perfume and face at will, and my heart actually skips a beat when I do so. I feel giddy just typing this stuff out, and it cheers me beyond my earlier troubles with other folks, causing me to smile and anxiously count the moments until I see her again. I’ve discovered that she likes Ella Fitzgerald, Duke Ellington, Bjork, and assorted other less dissonant music than Korn, Kiss, and the Cure, including Jimi and Bowie, so the fear of mono-musicitis has been allayed. It’s still goofy to me to be dating someone born after Star Wars was in the theatre, but she’s quite smart, sexy, and emotionally together as far as my rosy-tinted radar can detect. All for now, I’m going to dawdle, and ponder her beauty some more. 😉

Apr 7, 2000

Well today has brought to me a few different things, some happy, some not so much so. It’s come to my attention just a few moments ago that a friend of mine, H, is upset with me because of some things I’ve supposedly said. I’m at a bit of a loss. I have no idea what I might’ve said that got back to her… but I do know that I can be rather critical in my opinions of folks. That, and the particular circle of friends is not the best at maintaining communications. I think it might have been something regarding my lack of faith in her current budding relationship with another member of the gang. (for what it’s worth, I hope that they get some happiness out of it, but my feelings are that the thing isn’t grounded in the right sort of commonality. 2 very different people, different sorts of intelligence, different kinds of thinking. my suspicion is a desire for more physical comfort than spiritual/emotional. but what the hell do I know?) The thing of it is, I view everyone, including H as friends, and pretty good ones at that. downside, is that I think that H and R are both still functioning a little bit on the high school level of social interaction. I feel B has some minor insecurities, but he seems to bluster past them with big talk, which is fine too. A is a bit of a mess right now, but he’s got a lot going on there, so hopefully he’ll get it together. (months ago, I suggested he see a doctor about it, but he wasn’t into the idea.) R, Hu, and K seem to be pretty smooth-sailing, for which I am grateful. I’d really like to find a way to keep everyone on the same plane of information, but I don’t think it’s possible, and without that, I think misinterpretation is going to keep happening, and folks are going to start getting more and more anxious. With the current switch around of the whole crew, and my time being more and more filled with outside activities, it might be for the best if I just gave this particular group a rest for a while. (not toss ’em as friends, I do like and respect them… but if this sort of nonsense keeps up, I’m going to have to do something more serious, because I’m tired of feeling like I hurt someone’s feelings, or insulted them, but they don’t want to give specifics. I can’t defend against ghosts. I know how hard it can be, I’ve gotten a ‘meanie’ vibe from folks before, H included. Unforunately, my reaction might toss that vibe right back at folks, and I don’t want to do that. I want to be the big, fuzzy, nice guy who knows a lot of trivia and gets along with everyone. Maybe that’s too much to ask for.

Apr 5, 2000

SHE walks in beauty like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that’s best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellowed to the tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One ray the more, one shade the less
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o’er her face,
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.
And on that cheek and o’er that brow
So soft, so calm yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow
But tell of days in goodness spent
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

Lord Byron, (George Gordon)

Mar 28, 2000

Got Story of the Ghost, a terrific Phish CD for my B’day from the Bohls. Probably my favorite Phish CD, a lot of thought and sound work went into this one. I’m very pleased… (Also got some keen smelling insense, Musk, cedar and another sweet-smelling one, to deflect stinky catbox.) I really did well. Looking forward to Stomp in two weeks, Disney in three. Ack… I need more time to gather my money after blowing so much indescriminately this last weekend. Official story ‘helping a pal out with a blown transmission’ (but I also tossed about $300 on partying away, too.) Ah well, broke is broke.

Mar 11, 2000

Chicken Littles or at least, those with the brains of chickens are scooting frantically about trying to warn us all that on May 5 of this year, The World Will End. They predict earthquakes, tidal waves, volcanic activity, flooding and even ice-cap meltage on a vast scale (or, as they tend to put it, “Earth changes”, which is a term broad enough that it covers anything, pretty much, which of couse allows them to seem accurate). The reason, according to them, is that several planets in our solar system will be more or less in alignment, a pretty darn uncommon event in almost all circumstances. This alignment (or syzygy) will include our own Moon, the Sun, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn and will actually encompass a little over 25 degrees of arc, which really isn’t that significant to begin with. This alignment, according to the pebble-brained catastrophists, will result in huge gravitational tidal forces, which will of course result in… yep, “Earth changes”. Never mind the fact that the computer terminal at which you sit as you read this exerts more gravitational influence on you than Jupiter does. There are plenty of idiots out there panicking over this, and when nothing happens, they won’t learn anything; they’ll find something new to panic about.

Mar 1, 2000

In China, they used to force intellectuals to spend a year toiling in the rice paddies and doing the People’s Work. There is something to be said for that. Particularly if the People’s Work turns out to be surprisingly rich and fulfilling. I think that’s important… it seems to me that folks these days are more interested in the quick dollar and not too focused on what (in my mind, anyhow) should be more important. Quality of life and seeing new things in the world around you. I swear, these last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about things, and the reflections have been alternately horrible and wonderful. I’ve come to a realization that I have maybe one potential lifelong friend and even that one is iffy. My other pals will probably move on and fade out, as most people do these days. I partially blame the computer industry, breeding another race of nomads who think that staying at a company for more than 18 months is some form of stagnation. I don’t get the mindset at all. I tend to have jobs that last years on end, my longest being 6 years long. (hey I’m only 31… I’m not old enough to have been at the same gig for 25+ yet.) While I’m unsatisfied with my current occupation, I do feel that when I find the one I’m interested in, I’d like to have it locked in place fairly permenantly. I’m the same way about my friends. I feel a certain loss of connection, when I realize that 2 years from now, I might not even know where most of them will be living. I think “Why bother making any connection at all, if it’s just going to be severed once you make any progress?” Not only that, but there’s a shallowness to some of the friendships that hurts, too. When I’m a friend to someone, I’ll help them move a body. I suspect that some folks really can’t be bothered to be called on in a personal crisis… and to me, that’s what friends are. Someone that will be there for you and offer support, and you can do the same for them. Ah well, I take solace in the fact that I do have someone I can fall back on, and that I’m there for them too. It occurs to me that I don’t know where any of the living remainders of my graduating class are anymore, I just hear about it months to years later when they die, usually from accidents. Well, enough whining, on to the good stuff. I take great comfort in knowing that when it comes to relationships of a more intimate nature, I think I have it mostly worked out. I have someone who cares about me, and I care about in a more romantic way, but it’s not so close that we stifle each other, and not so distant that the caring is meaningless. A good mix, and not commonly come by. I think the trick is not to be too selfish, whether it’s the “What I want comes first” or the “Let me suck your emotions dry” sort of sidekick, of which I’ve seen way too much of in recent months. It infuriates me when I see someone I know can be civil act like a selfish jerk, at the expense of someone else’s well-being, and to someone who they claim to care about at that! I think it’s the throwaway, thoughtless stuff that gets folks into the most trouble. That to me is a sign that you really don’t love someone… I know that the person I’m with right now is caring, and thinks about what they say to express the right feelings to me, and I make a point of doing the same. Of course, breakdowns in communication can happen, but it can be kept at a minimum. Keeping lines of communication are very important, I’ve seen at least 2 marriages in recent years break up because they didn’t let their partners know what was bothering them until it was too late. Another good sign that the folks are lazy, or at least more prideful than in love is the lack of interest in seeking council of an unbiased third party. I don’t mean a friend of the couple, I mean someone trained to help both people get the best result of being together, or apart if that’s what’s best in the eyes of all involved. Hmm.. rambles. long story short. I’m lucky in love, but not in long term friendships. (outside of love, anyhow).