gastrobots.

In the last month scientists have been talking about a new robo-invention– Gastrobots. It’ll soon become a household word used in household sentences like, “The Gastrobots have surrounded the compound! Activate self destruct!” and “The Gastrobots… they… they got Billy Nitro! BILLY!!!”

Gastrobots are robots that run on meat. And I know what you’re thinking: “Oh Crap! I’m 94% meat!” Gastrobots can run on almost any kind of food from sugar to vegetables to of course, your laser-blasted skeleton. The inventor Stuart Wilkinson from the University of South Florida found a way to use bacteria to break food down and turn it into electricity. He said that a robot like this could “have an unlimited power supply and be able to exist on its own outdoors,” finally fulfilling man’s need to watch immortal robots gallop through America’s proud pastures. Thanks, science.

New Scientist magazine says one of the first applications for Gastrobot technology might be a lawnmower that runs on grass clippings. Good idea. Give a robot a taste for human flesh, then attach a whirling blade to it. Maybe we could have it fire electrified throwing stars, or lease them out as babysitters when they don’t have to mow lawns, Idiot Scientist magazine.

I might be overreacting. At worse, an out-of-control lawnmower will cost us a few hundred thousand suburban feet. Those bourgeois jerks can afford prosthetic feet. And thanks to New Scientist magazine, they can probably get prosthetic feet that run on the owner’s ankle meat. Problem solved.