We don’t listen to warning labels, and I can prove it. On every pack of cigarettes, it TELLS YOU IT’S GOING TO KILL YOU. This isn’t a warning label on a plastic bag that was written by some jerk at the plastic bag factory. The warning on cigarettes comes from the Surgeon General. You can ignore advice from non-surgeons. If your stupid friend tells his girlfriend the key to curing her cold is plenty of rest and giving him head, she’ll remind them, “Hey, you’re not a doctor!” right before she gives him head. Well the Surgeon General is a doctor. In fact, they’re the supreme commander of doctors. If doctors were to start a war against the bowlers or the bird watchers, the Surgeon General would have the biggest hat and stand at the back of the army shouting, “Hold the line, men! Take two of these FISTS and call me in the morning!” Read the pack of cigarettes. If the Surgeon General tells you something might kill you and give your future kids extra toes and eyes, listen to him. Do you need a warning from the Surgeon Jesus before you start taking advice?

The non-smoking commercials are actually funded by the company that makes cigarettes. It’s like they’re taunting us. Are they flash-framing subliminal messages at us? How can half the country smoke when the only thing on my TV is lists of tobacco death statistics. We know more about what cigarette does to the human body than than anyone knows about anything else. Unless you count my knowledge of Wonder Woman’s breasts, and you don’t.

They have to be mocking us. One of the commercials actually says “Tobacco is Wacko (if you’re a teen).” That’s the kind of shit you’d hear from a person in a fucking puppy costume. That’s the kind of campaign that can get non-smokers called fags in their schools. Did the mormons decide to take over on the anti-smoking ads for a week or something? I know they did a great job spreading that crazy religion around the country, but getting cigarettes out of kids mouths is a lot harder than getting people to go to church. Church is seductive; you get everlasting life and those lenghty painful medical procedures are reduced to getting slapped in the head by a man on a stage. Convincing a kid to not smoke is a harder kind of mind control. You remember the mind control used on us that made us all lay down and cover our heads every day at 4:00? Of course you don’t. Because the Russians don’t want you to.

People claimed Joe Camel marketed tobacco to kids. Bullshit. Think of all the forest fires that got started just to piss Smokey the Bear off. Kids hate you. They hate your irrational bitchy asses. Nicotine barely makes you high. You can smoke 50 cigarettes, and still get about as high as you would if you held your breath for half a minute. So they’re not doing it to get high, and the fact that most of us are still sane after the Super Friends and the Banana Splits proves that kids don’t base their lives on what cartoon animals say. Screw Joe Camel. They’re doing it because they know that if their lobbying parents are trying to get rid of something, it must kick ass. Remember video games, sex, alcohol, not being somebodydrugs, and fire hazards? Of course you don’t. Because the Russians don’t want you to.

Cigarettes give you black lungs, shortness of breath, yellow teeth, your clothes smell like something you spilled on the stove, and then you die coughing forty years before your friends. The Surgeon General or a man in a puppy suit might have mentioned all that. But what they didn’t mention was that cigarettes give your hands something to do when you’re in a bar. People who don’t smoke nervously fidget their hands around all night. Biology did what it could; it gave women breasts so man would have something to grab onto instead of fidgeting. This groping helps keep them from taking up smoking. Ladies, please offer your breasts for the sake of his health, and yours! (Second hand smoke is a killer too!)