Green Lantern’s ring was the most powerful weapon in the universe except against the color yellow. I’m not kidding, his weakness was the color yellow. You might think he’d try to keep something like that secret, but there is nothing Green Lantern liked to talk about more. He’d wave a fist at the bad guys and shout, “Justice will prevail today, villains! Unless you learn that my power energy cannot affect that which is yellow!” And to make Green Lantern the most unlucky person in the universe, his nemesis Sinestro had a ring that made things that were yellow. That’s like twin brothers fighting, only one gets baseball bat with spikes and has a giant purple head.
Green Lantern got his super ring when a navy bean-headed alien crash landed on Earth and handed it to him right before he died. I guess in space no one makes out a will. When you think you’re about to die, you pick up a phone book and give everything you own to whatever name your finger lands on. And if you’re handing over a potentially universe-threatening weapon, even better that it goes to a randomly selected stranger!
Serious Fact: I keep a white board by my VCR, and marked down every time Green Lantern’s powers worked against yellow. Out of 30 episodes where Green Lantern appeared, his powers worked against the color yellow 24 times. In fact, in 3 episodes, the stuff he made was yellow already. It had to be something wrong with my TV, since I figured if you made a yellow rocket that couldn’t touch the color yellow, the world would explode. No, my TV was fine. Either the guys who colored the show had all their green markers dry up, or they got hammered before they started.
The ring could make anything he could think of which usually wasn’t much. Once or twice he’d go crazy with it and if he needed to knock something over, he’d create himself a crazy robot bulldozer and a viking hard hat, but most days he would just shoot green energy at the thing until it fell over. The Wonder Twins may have sucked, but when they needed to knock something over, they never took it out the easy way. At their most sensical, they’d turn into a giant lobster (with water backpack) or a rhino squid (in ice belt). Green Lantern would punch people with things as uncreative as a giant hand. He had to know kids were watching; he could have tried harder to make it more interesting. Like a giant hand with breasts or a talking hamburger.
It’s a pretty common assumption that Batman and Robin were lovers, but Batman at least tried to hide it. He put a little belt on Robin so it looked like he was a fellow crime fighter, not just some kid he puts his tongue in when there’s no evil to punch. Kids watching the show could defend him. They could tell their parents, “No, look. Robin has his own crime belt. I told you he wasn’t his boyfriend.” Green Lantern wasn’t so clever. Kairo had nothing that indicated he should be fighting for justice, and spent most of his time with his crotch firmly pressed against Green Lantern’s ass. While we’re talking about it, I don’t think Aquaman and Aqualad were romantic, but only because it’s impossible to imagine Aquaman getting laid by anyone.
Green Lantern’s sidekick was the coolest. The cartoon called him “Hal Jordan’s Venutian helper.” He was a little boy from Venus named Kairo and he never did anything other than get captured. He was real good at that, though.
He could get captured 8 times during a four minute episode. He would already be tied up by one villain and a new villain would stop by just to tie him up some more and have his henchmen throw a net on him. Then he’d wander into an open well filled with scorpions. A few hours alone, and Kairo would have been dead with or without evil’s help. The other Super Friends all had sidekicks that were a tiny bit better than useless. Robin had bat-shaped tubes of paste he could throw, Hawkman’s bird could scream and peck, Aqualad had a seahorse and a walrus, and Kid Flash could run fast. Kairo had a pantsuit and his ears came to a point. Those are the exact same powers as a housepainter that grew up underneath power lines.
Kairo didn’t care. He never got his own flying saucer or invisible jetski or any type of weapon. You know how he travelled? He actually had to ride Green Lantern’s ass through space. Of all the heroes in the universe, Green Lantern’s the only one that can make a motorcycle with his mind. Kairo should have been the last sidekick that needed to resort to a piggyback ride. And when they got to other planets, Green Lantern didn’t make him a green boomerang. Kairo had to pick a fight with nothing but a vacant smile. Hey, atomic monster. Try a taste of Kairo’s innocent sense of well being!
I don’t know how Green Lantern recruited him. Kairo was probably selling candy bars door-to-door, and after Green Lantern bought 12 cases, he received the bonus prize, “Spend
a day the rest of your life with Kairo!”
I love little Newtie more than corn flakes. (in)
J’aime peu de Newtie davantage que des flocons d’avoine. (back) I like little Newtie more that rolled oats.
Ich liebe wenig Newtie mehr als Corn Flakes. (back) I love few Newtie more than Corn Flakes
Eu amo pouco Newtie mais do que flocos de milho. (back)I like few Newtie more than the rolled oats
Amo poco Newtie más que las avenas. (back) – Master little Newtie more than oats.
eating veggie-dogs, chatting with Zoe, and watching h2g2 on my old VCR.
3 veggie dogs
4 slices of black olive & mushroom pizza.
Items of interest to me.
Caught April in 2 lies between the hours of 10pm and 12 PM tonight. 1 regarding how much she drank, another of her not eating my food. I didn’t even challenge, because she is out of here in 3 weeks and counting. I don’t care if she lies to me anymore, but she’d better not steal.
Newtie is grooming me, licking the back of my head! Good, lovey kitty.
Met my new everway group. Some nice folks, 3 slob-tech gamers, and one wife-gamer.
Jeffery – met over the net, he found me in a gamer’s directory. Nice guy, as old as I am, married to Bee (Bridgett? Beatrice?) Used to service the machines where I work, and is GM. Kind enough to pick me up and take me home from the game. Seems to dash of on tangents, I imagine staying on topic during the game will be a challenge, but not impossible, fortunately that doesn’t bug me much. 31
Bee – South African, very pleasant, entertaining & gracious. She seems to enjoy my quirks (all of them came up tonight, it seems, from vegetarianism, carelessness, to waving at graveyards.) was amused by some of my stories, and her Afrikaans is close enough to German that we could make silly comments. Met husband over IRC, net wedding. 🙂 23
Joe – Seemed nice, didn’t get a strong vibe, still new to rpg, looks to be suffering a bit from tech burnout. has a palm IIIE 24
Chris?(not sure of name) The only skinny one of us, witty, and quick to adapt to most social behaviors. He’s the gamer who quotes python, makes squirrel and slug comments, and is a primary distraction during the game. I’m sure I’ll get on well with him. 22
Aleria (Bee’s visiting sister from Italy) Cute young lady, fond of train spotting and ewen macgregor, Speaks buckets of languages, and is quite polite and conversant, even though her English is a bit broken. 17
I think I came off as ‘mentor-man’ or maybe ‘overbearing man’ depending on the person. I maintained politeness and helped out where possible, tried not to step on conversations, but may have. It’s funny, I’m confident the girls like me, and Chris, but am not terribly sure of Joe and Jeffery. (they probably did too, just didn’t get a strong congenial vibe)
Many good characters.
Alta vistas’ translations really are stinky!
dung di gnu!
Kay, un nude rosso, pigolato sotto un yak.
Comunicando con Danny sul telefono, circa quicktime archivia? Sembra avere bisogno degli archivi che è già ottenuto… eventualmente lui otterrà gli archivi più presto o più successivamente.
il lavoro è stato icky e Danny era fortunatamente domestico alleviare alcuna della mia noia:) Yay!
Desidero vedere un movie, ma tutte le pellicole che desidero vedere non sono fuori ancora. Pooties.
für Mittagessen… Mac und -käse
für Frühstückgesamtcorn Flakes
Niemanden beachtete meine Namen, meistens palendromes kürzlich gewesen zu sein.
Nutbunnies. Ich werde wirklich gebohrt.