I caught this article in the Weekly World News at StaxStaxStax last
night. Since few of you would have picked up this magazine due
to the pair of 650 pound female models on the cover, I decided
to reproduce the article here:
(from the Weekly World News, page 17, 4th Issue 1995)
SUPERMAN’S SECRET IDENTITY WAS REALLY JESUS CHRIST!
[Massachusetts] Researchers at Miskatonic University recently
completed a seven year project code-named “Kent2”. The purpose of
this study was to determine if Superman had another secret identity
aside from his “cover” secret ID of Clark Kent, revealed repeatedly
in comic books, movies, and television.
The researchers at Miskatonic used a Cray 2 supercomputer to search
national databases and media archives to find links between Superman
and other notable historic figures to find who he may REALLY have
been. The surprising answer given by the Cray, nicknamed “Shallow
Thought”, after seven years of cross-indexing: Superman was really
none other than Jesus Christ.
Among the findings of the research team were the following:
Both Superman and Jesus were sent to another world as infants by
their fathers by means beyond our understanding. Both were
raised by surrogate parents who had no children of their own.
Jesus’s surrogate parents where Joseph and Mary, Superman’s were
George and Martha, a striking similarity. Both had the power to
leave their foster world at any time but chose not to for the
sake of that world.
Both Superman and Jesus hung out with and were followed by women
with the same first and last names. Superman had Lois Lane,
Jesus had Mary Magdalene. Neither ever consumated a romantic
relationship, perhaps because of their otherworldly origin.
This last-first name link was not limited to significant-other
females, but also included their arch-enemies. Superman’s most
dangerous foe was Lex Luthor, Jesus’s was Pontius Pilate. Both
enemies defeated the heroes but could never keep them down.
Both men were mild-mannered, but were feared by all in their wrath
when they became angered. Both refused any material reward for
their actions, and refused to participate in the squabbles between
nations. Both were tempted, but always resisted it.
Both Superman and Jesus died, although the true believers never
doubted they would come back (as they both did).
Other startling facts:
SUPERMAN got his powers from the Sun.
JESUS got his powers because he WAS the Son.
SUPERMAN formed a group called the Superfriends in his time, and
later came back to join the Legion of Super Heros far in the future.
JESUS formed a group called the Apostles in his time, and promised
to come back and do so again far in the future.
SUPERMAN was often linked with the violent, vengeful Batman and
the mysterious Wonder Woman who flew in an invisible plane.
JESUS was often linked with the violent, vengeful Old-Testament
Father and the Holy Ghost, who WAS an invisible plane.
JESUS said “Render unto Caesar what is due Caesar”.
SUPERMAN’s boss said “Great Caesar’s Ghost!”.
JESUS’s death spawned four new gospels.
SUPERMAN’s death spawned four new comic books.
JESUS could feed the masses with one loaf of bread and one fish.
SUPERMAN could squeeze a lump of coal into a diamond.
JESUS could have killed anyone with the power of damnation, but didn’t.
SUPERMAN could have killed anyone with his heat vision, but didn’t.
JESUS could play a guitar just like ringing a bell.
SUPERMAN…no wait, that wasn’t Jesus, that was Johnny B. Goode.
JESUS’s best follower was the faithful James.
SUPERMAN’s best follower was the faithful Jimmy (Olsen).
JESUS warned us that there would be false Messiahs.
SUPERMAN warned us about Bizarro Superman.
JESUS took on the Sins of the World.
SUPERMAN took on the Crisis of the Infinite Earths.
SUPERMAN could be weakend and killed by Kryptonite.
JESUS could too, but luckily there wasn’t any around back then.
SUPERMAN was faster than a speeding bullet.
JESUS was slower than a speeding spear.
Project Leader Prof. Val Ceth said the Shallow Thought computer will
next turn its attention on the puzzle of the secret identity of
the Batman. “We’re pretty sure he’s Ross Perot”, said Prof. Ceth,
“but we’re gonna run it through the computer just to be sure”.