Clown Cops RPG

Palookaville used to be a thriving, bustling
neighborhood on the edge of the city. Inhabited by circus folk, the
neighborhood depended on the circuses, carnivals, parades and parties
that went on throughout the city. When the economy took a downturn,
the residents of Palookaville found themselves unemployed and
disenfranchised. Unfortunately, most banks, auto garages and
landscaping firms have no use for someone skilled at making balloon
animals or throwing cream pies. The out-of-work Clowns and other
circus people turned to crime and the occassional rioting in the
streets. The police cracked down hard but that only served to make
the situation even worse. Finally, the Mayor (Da Honorable Joey
Boombatz) signed a peace treaty with the leaders of Palookaville and
created a special police force comprised of Clowns. The Clown Cops
were born.

All Clown Cops are issued the following
standard equipment:

  • One seltzer bottle (charged with six
    shots)

  • A package of colorful balloons
  • One noisemaker
  • A walkie-talkie
  • One badge
  • A pair of handcuffs
  • One whoopie cushion
  • One squirting flower
  • One joy buzzer
  • An assortment of colorful scarves

Clown Cops travel in black n’white VW bugs
(the new ones). Contrary to popular opinion, you can’t fit a dozen
Clowns in one car. Clown Car patrols typically carry two, three or
four Clowns at a time. All Clown Cars carry the following standard
equipment:

  • One half-dozen whipped cream pies
    (pre-made)

  • A small cooler (to keep the cream pies
    fresh)

  • A dozen spare pie plates
  • Three cans of whipped cream
  • Extra charges for the seltzer bottles
    (one dozen)

  • One small tank of helium (for balloons or
    amusing speech)

  • Assorted novelty items in an aluminum
    suitcase

  • Stain and water-resistant body
    armor

  • An English “bobbie” outfit (complete with
    whistle and nightstick)

  • Eight juggling pins
  • A mini-trampoline

As a Clown Cop, you’ll have to deal
with:

  • Drunk Hobo Clowns
  • Annoying Mimes
  • Rowdy Rodeo Clowns
  • Squabbling Siamese Twins
  • Belligerent Carnies
  • Suicidal Lion Tamers
  • Acrobatic Criminals
  • Rogue Circus Animals
  • …or anything else the Ringmaster can
    think up!

 

Animal Crackers

Game Setup

Every player needs:

  • Some friends to play the game with
  • A box of animal crackers
  • A full glass of milk (all the glasses
    should be about the same size and they should be
    transparent-enough to see the milk through them)

  • A rubber band
  • A sheet of paper
  • Something to write with
  • One six-sided die
  • Clown makeup and clothing
  • Noisemakers, balloons and other fun
    stuff

One person in the group will be the
Ringmaster – the person who runs the game. The rest will be Clown
Cops.

Write your Clown Cop’s name somewhere on the
sheet of paper. Clown Cop names are usually funny and/or strange –
yours should be too. Choose a Funny Name or make one up
yourself.

Examples:

  • Flopsy
  • Mr. Pop
  • Chuckles
  • Zippo
  • Vladamir
  • Captain Frankfurter
  • The Amazing Steve

Now to go with your Funny Name, you need a
Funny Voice. This can be anything – from speaking with a thick
southern accent to speaking in Pig Latin (ou-yay ow-knay ut-whay
I-yay een-may?). It doesn’t matter what your Funny Voice is so long
as you a) don’t annoy the other players too much, b) can actually do
the Funny Voice well enough to make it work and c) make it different
than the other Clowns’ Funny Voices.

Draw three large rings side-by-side
(
O O O) on a sheet of paper. In the first ring write GAGS,
in the second write STUNTS and in the third write SKILLZ.

Fill your glass with milk (if it’s not filled
already) and place the rubber band around the glass so that it wraps
around the half-way point of the milk (not the glass itself). This
glass represents your Clown’s Sense of Humor.

Next, open the box of animal crackers and
randomly pull out ten crackers. The crackers will represent your
Clown’s ability to do stuff.

Rings:

  • Gags: used whenever you do something
    funny

  • Stunts: used whenever you do something
    dangerous

  • Skillz: used whenever you do something
    cool

Whenever your Clown tries to do something
funny, dangerous or cool, you’ll count the number of crackers in the
appropriate ring and try to roll this number of under. A roll of 1
always succeeds, a roll of 6 always fails.

Optional rule:

If you wish to play a Mime, replace
the GAGS with a MIME ring. Miming allows you to express yourself
without words and also to do weird tricks like walking against the
wind, climbing an invisible rope and being trapped in an invisible
box. Also, as a Mime, your don’t have a Funny Name or a Funny Voice.
Instead, you have a French Name and you can’t say anything at all.

Place these crackers inside the rings that
you drew on your sheet of paper. You may not have more than six or
less than one animal cracker inside any ring. Also, you may not split
up your animals – if you draw two or more crackers of the same animal
shape, you must put these crackers inside the same circle.

Example:

I draw the following animal
crackers:

  • 2 Gorillas
  • 1 Giraffe
  • 1 Tiger
  • 2 Sheep
  • 3 Bison
  • 1 Bear

I have to keep animals of the same type
together, which leaves me with:

  • Gags: 2 Gorillas
  • Stunts: 2 Sheep
  • Skillz: 3 Bison

…and a Giraffe, a Tiger and a Bear left over.
I can either split them up and put one in each ring or put 2 in one
ring and 1 in another or put all 3 in one ring.

The clown makeup, clothing, balloons,
noisemakers and other funny things aren’t necessary but they’ll make
the whole game that much more interesting.

Losing your Sense of Humor

There are a bunch of ways to lose
your sense of humor in Clown Cops.

  • Getting bopped
  • Doing something un-becoming of a Clown
    Cop

  • Not speaking in your Funny Voice when
    you’re in character*

  • Referring to a player by their real name
    instead of their Funny Name

  • Referring to the GM as anything but
    Ringmaster

*Yes, even if you’re undercover, doing an
impression or faking an accent.

To do one of these things without using your Funny Voice, make a
Skillz roll.

Most of these are pretty clear but the first
two need a bit of an explanation.

“Getting bopped” is the term used to describe
any kind of injury your Clown Cops character might suffer in the line
of duty. This can be anything from being hit with a cream pie to
being savaged by a ferocious tiger. Also, failing at a dangerous task
will result in your Clown getting bopped.

Conduct un-becoming a Clown Cop is when you
(the player) make your Clown Cop (the character) do something that is
inherently un-Clown-like. Not only does this mean DOING stuff (like
being mean to kids or kicking someone in the groin), it can also
cover NOT DOING stuff (for instance, not knocking out the “two bits”
part when you hear “Shave and a haircut”). The Ringmaster has final
say on what is or isn’t conduct becoming a member of the Clown
Cops.

Nobody dies (or even bleeds) in this game –
instead, they simply lose their Sense of Humor. When you lose your
Sense of Humor, you have to take a drink of milk. If the Ringmaster
judges your drink to be more of a “sip” than a hearty “gulp,” he can
make you take another drink (or if you’re a habitual sipper, the
mighty CHUG).

As long as your milk level stays above the
rubber-band line, you’re fine – the glass remains “half-full.” But if
the level drops below the line, the glass will become “half-empty”
and you will suffer a one animal cracker penalty to all your rings
until you can regain your Sense of Humor.

If you ever empty your glass (because of
repeated drinks or because of the mighty CHUG), then whenever you
attempt a Gag, Stunt or Skill, you must eat an animal cracker from
the appropriate ring. If you run out of animal crackers in a ring,
then you can no longer perform that action.

Regaining your Sense of Humor

If you (the player) do something funny or
skillfull, the Ringmaster can reward you by re-filling your glass
back to the line. If it’s already at the line, then you may fill your
glass completely. Sometimes, the Ringmaster (or the other players)
will assign you to perform a feat…other times, it’s entirely up to
you. These feats should be chosen fairly and a feat may be refused if
it’s in any way dangerous.

Some sample feats are:

  • Do ten jumping jacks
  • Balance on one foot for a minute
  • Make an extremely funny face
  • Do something weird (for those with
    unusual talents)

  • Sing a song or perform a dance
    number

  • Make a balloon animal or juggle three
    small (non-breakable!) objects

The other way of recovering your Sense of
Humor is to rest for awhile in a Clown Hospitial, but this takes time
(in other words, your Sense of Humor is restored between
games).

Regaining your Cookies

Once your last animal cracker has been eaten,
you can redraw 10 cookies and assign them to your Rings like you did
at the start of the game. You must have a full glass of milk in order
to replenish your cookies.

Clown Cops Random Encounter
Table

To use the Random Call Table, pick out 5
animal crackers and lay them out in a line. Then, look up each animal
and use the results to create a simple scenario.

For example, I draw the following
crackers:

  • Tiger
  • Gorilla
  • Bear
  • Bear
  • Seal

Then my scenario might be: “An Acrobatic
Criminal Eating a Bag of Popcorn inside an Office.”

What this means is anyone’s guess! Perhaps
the Clown Cops get a call that there’s been a break in. When they
arrive on the scene, they see that a burglar has climbed up the fire
escape and has stopped to make himself a bag of popcorn. Or
something…

If your random draw doesn’t make sense, feel
free to re-draw or come up with your own elements.

Cookies

Personalities

People

Actions

  • Bear
  • Bison
  • Camel
  • Cougar
  • Elephant
  • Giraffe
  • Gorilla
  • Hippo
  • Hyena
  • Kangaroo
  • Lion
  • Monkey
  • Rhino
  • Seal
  • Sheep
  • Tiger
  • Zebra
  • Weird
  • Drunk
  • Beautiful
  • Outspoken
  • Ferocious
  • Smelly
  • Angry
  • Friendly
  • Mysterious
  • Wimpy
  • Funny
  • Hungry
  • Sad
  • Escaped
  • Frightened
  • Acrobatic
  • Deranged
  • Fortuneteller
  • Clown
  • Mime
  • Mailman
  • Cab Driver
  • Kid
  • Criminal
  • Lion Tamer
  • Salesman
  • General
  • Vagrant
  • Man
  • Woman
  • Bartender
  • Animal
  • Freak
  • Musician
  • Eating
  • Cleaning
  • Wrecking
  • Chopping
  • Building
  • Buying
  • Decorating
  • Stealing
  • Washing
  • Gardening
  • Misbehaving
  • Performing
  • Working
  • Arguing
  • Fixing
  • Brandishing
  • Sleeping

Cookies

Things

Places

  • Bear
  • Bison
  • Camel
  • Cougar
  • Elephant
  • Giraffe
  • Gorilla
  • Hippo
  • Hyena
  • Kangaroo
  • Lion
  • Monkey
  • Rhino
  • Seal
  • Sheep
  • Tiger
  • Zebra
  • Bag of Popcorn
  • Money
  • a Whipped Cream Pie
  • an Umbrella
  • a Broom
  • a Balloon
  • a Bottle
  • a Street Sign
  • a Painting
  • a Bowling Ball
  • an Automobile
  • Clothing
  • Jewelry
  • a Statue
  • a Baby Carriage
  • a Post Office Box
  • a Chair
  • Downtown
  • at the Bank
  • inside a Grocery Store
  • at the Amusement Park
  • inside a Restaurant
  • at the Library
  • at the Zoo
  • at City Hall
  • in Palookaville Park
  • at the Swimming Pool
  • at an Apartment Building
  • inside a Circus Tent
  • on a Boat
  • inside an Office
  • at the Police Station
  • under a Bridge
  • by the Docks

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