First off, Campbell’s, I hate you. You had it all going for you with your fancy-schmancy soups and all, but you just couldn’t leave well enough alone, could you? No, you had to go and put ramen noodles on the market. Well, I guess the consumers got the last word on this slap-in-the-face, didn’t they, you dopes. Yes, dear readers, Campbell’s ramen noodles have been discontinued. . . and no one even noticed. Let me give you a little rundown on why this ingenious marketing idea burned to the ground. . .

Right off, it is important to understand that every college kid, every bachelor, every single bachelorette on the face of this planet eats ramen noodles for one reason and one reason only: they are cheap as hell. You can buy FOUR packages of ramen noodles for under a buck, and whether you like the taste or not, you damn well learn to relish their merciful existence because when you have four dollars left for the rest of the week, ramen noodles quickly become the thin line between life and starvation. Campbell’s, for some odd reason, thought that people were buying the dehydrated slivers of starch and packets of colored salt because they just couldn’t get enough of that beefy, chickeny, “oriental” delicacy that seemed to be sweeping the nation. No, Campbell’s, we were broke!

So why am I so mad that they decided to partake in the thriving ramen industry? Because they charged about FIFTY CENTS a pack. That’s over TWICE what the regular ramens cost, which insults my intelligence and offends me as a consumer. Sure, the people at Campbell’s would like to have you believe that they charge more because they make “better” ramen noodles than the other companies, but anyone who has ever eaten a single ramen noodle can tell you that THEY ALL TASTE EXACTLY THE SAME! Even if they were better, we still wouldn’t buy them for one simple reason: you pay twice as much for half the product. People don’t buy ramen noodles for the quality of the product. . . they buy them so they don’t get hospitalized for malnutrition. Even if we had the extra fifty cents to “upgrade” or ramen quality, we wouldn’t spend it like that. . . we would simply climb to the next rung on the ladder of single-people food: macaroni and cheese.

Let’s face it, Campbell’s, when’s the last time any of your executives went to an expensive company dinner and ordered ramen noodles. . . on purpose? When was the last time one of your rich-ass friends invited you over for dinner and this happened:

“Bob, you ought to bring over the wife and kids for dinner tonight.”

“Sorry, Biff, I have lots of work this evening.”

“Are you sure? We’re breaking out the ramen noodles. . . ”

“Really? Is it someone’s birthday?”

What? That’s never happened to you? You know why? Because you aren’t poor. Do you want to know why other ramen companies are still thriving and you had to discontinue yours? This is why:
Because other companies tell it like it is. Smack Ramen. This stuff is “smack” for poor people. They don’t try to flower it up or make it look all gourmet. Sure, they tried to make it look a little too pretty on the package, but not only does theirs cost eighteen cents a package, they named their entire company “Smack”. Because if you have to rely on ramen noodles as your chief source of nutrition, you probably look like a junkie, and Smack sure as hell isn’t going to act like they don’t know. Thank you, Smack, for looking our handicap right in the face and not pretending like it doesn’t exist.

And Campbell’s I only have one thing left to say to you: “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”