Taco Bell employees could fold you into oblivion. Maybe they can’t count or speak the language of the country they live in, and the band-aids on their oral herpes sores fall into your food, but Taco Bell employees are the foremost origami masters in the world. They have 3000 different lard-boiled flatulent treats – and ONE WRAPPER to put them all in. Even the Trainees, who get to proudly wear their status on their bean encrusted shirts can perfectly fold one of the 3,000,000 names on the wrapper to be in the exact center of a burrito.

I thought the people that worked there were just kids Taco Bell traded from smugglers for some beads and cigarettes, but hand one a magazine and they could fold you a time machine. I don’t know if it’s the most amazing origami training since the ancient Babylonians trained goats to fold special hats, or if all Taco Bell employees are from some kind of tiny specialized gene pool like Mormons or Sasquatch, but I do know this: If we ever stop eating, for any reason – we just might give these bastards time to destroy us. As soon as they stop screaming from grease splatter burns, we’ll be at the mercy of them and their unstoppable army of paper warriors.