Apr 20, 2000
Somehow AT is making use of Urban league to pay for her school? I was under the impression it was an african american organisation, but perhaps it helps everyone in need… how refreshing that would be! AT is of british and Chippewaw(sp?) indian descent, maybe that’s how it works? I would prefer it was more for someone that was part of a low-income community. I feel that’s a more appropriate way of handling the situation. AT’s been living at a very low level of income, at least for the last few months, changing now that she’s found a better job at BOL in addition to the GT. more to follow… time for me to get back to work.
Apr 14, 2000
This was told to me be CB. It’s pretty insightful, so I figured I’d share it. Whenever someone makes you feel hurt or angry, it is a gift. It is an opportunity to look in yourself and see *why* you feel that way. Because, in reality, nobody can *make* you feel anything. That person just triggered something inside you (probably from your past). When you feel the anger, it’s an opportunity to look at that trigger and DECIDE how you want to react…instead of letting past issues make the decision for you.
Apr 14, 2000
Well.. let’s see. Current projects are: Clean the apartment, make room for a visitor. (Visitors are something I’ve avoided competantly for the last year or more, as there’s practically no room in the apartment. However, AT has no cable at her place, and roommates. So, if I plan to ply her with my masculine wiles and liberal applications of the cartoon network, I’m obliged to clean up the joint.) Hopefully I can ge the place pristine by Sunday. I must be gaga over the girl, as I want to steam the carpets, even. Who knows? I might even end up keeping the place not a mess for a while. (At least as long as I’m actively dating…) My only real dilemma is to find a way to store all my stuff! I seem to accumulate at a frightening pace all sorts of things specifically designed for Newton to smack around all over the house. (I still don’t know how he managed to get my viking boat off of the top shelf of my closet to under my computer…It’s totally unwieldy, and was behind other stuff up there.) In other AT news, date 4 went swimmingly, and #5 is tomorrow, and #6 is planned for Sunday already. I need to remind myself to call Emage and let ’em know that either I’ll be missing them on Sunday, or maybe taking AT along for the ride. AT’s not happy with her name, and was considering change… I rather like it, but her chosen alternates are good, too. I sort of dig Octavia as a name… Greek/Latin/Hebrew names seem to be my personal favorite. Rachael, Cassandra, Elizabeth all have nice sounds to them too, and have good nicknames. I’m still a little floaty from the additional dopamine, adrenaline, and testosterone in the system due to my current romantic interests. Some minor ‘warning signs’ have come up, but like anything else, all things are surmountable if folks are willing to put effort into a fix. Speaking of which, things are rather quiet on the AIM front, not sure where things stand there, given last week’s quandry re:H. I’m assuming no worries, but the news front has been semi-quiet. More as I know it, Dear Journal. p.s. Got all the clothing I was looking to get, just need shoesies and maybe 2 more sets o’boxers. Type to you later, bub.
Apr 7, 2000
on the upside, I got paid today, talked to AT every day this week, and saw movies with friends. Today’s film was Rules of Engagement, with D as my co-hort. movie rated about a 5 out of 10, nothing dreadful, but not great either. I got close to falling asleep in the flick during one of the courtroom scenes, but I don’t blame the movie, I’m pretty tired. Tomorrow I go clothes shoping with AT, before she hits work. I need some boxers, and a couple replacements for worn out pants/shirts. Sat nite, I’ll probably catch the John Cusak flick, maybe take AT out after work too. Sunday is Stomp. I’m still surprised that it was easier to organise the hippies than emage into going to that, but it’s just as well… half the emage gang would’ve missed out anyhow due to moving or family obligation. Elements of my dating life are coming back to haunt me, patterns that I’d forgotten. I’m eating less, waking up earlier in the day, or having mildly fitful sleep. Visions of unknowable futures of married life already in my skull, regardless of what I tell myself about “It’s only been a week, you dingaling!” Fantasies of what’s to come (or not) in the relationship, wondering what all of the parts of that are like. What would it be like living with her? If we had kids, how would they look/act? What side of the bed should I take? Does this mean I should get a car, dispite my misgivings? Things like that echo in my head, for hours on end, and I can’t seem to shake ’em. I can conjure memories of her perfume and face at will, and my heart actually skips a beat when I do so. I feel giddy just typing this stuff out, and it cheers me beyond my earlier troubles with other folks, causing me to smile and anxiously count the moments until I see her again. I’ve discovered that she likes Ella Fitzgerald, Duke Ellington, Bjork, and assorted other less dissonant music than Korn, Kiss, and the Cure, including Jimi and Bowie, so the fear of mono-musicitis has been allayed. It’s still goofy to me to be dating someone born after Star Wars was in the theatre, but she’s quite smart, sexy, and emotionally together as far as my rosy-tinted radar can detect. All for now, I’m going to dawdle, and ponder her beauty some more. 😉
Apr 7, 2000
Well today has brought to me a few different things, some happy, some not so much so. It’s come to my attention just a few moments ago that a friend of mine, H, is upset with me because of some things I’ve supposedly said. I’m at a bit of a loss. I have no idea what I might’ve said that got back to her… but I do know that I can be rather critical in my opinions of folks. That, and the particular circle of friends is not the best at maintaining communications. I think it might have been something regarding my lack of faith in her current budding relationship with another member of the gang. (for what it’s worth, I hope that they get some happiness out of it, but my feelings are that the thing isn’t grounded in the right sort of commonality. 2 very different people, different sorts of intelligence, different kinds of thinking. my suspicion is a desire for more physical comfort than spiritual/emotional. but what the hell do I know?) The thing of it is, I view everyone, including H as friends, and pretty good ones at that. downside, is that I think that H and R are both still functioning a little bit on the high school level of social interaction. I feel B has some minor insecurities, but he seems to bluster past them with big talk, which is fine too. A is a bit of a mess right now, but he’s got a lot going on there, so hopefully he’ll get it together. (months ago, I suggested he see a doctor about it, but he wasn’t into the idea.) R, Hu, and K seem to be pretty smooth-sailing, for which I am grateful. I’d really like to find a way to keep everyone on the same plane of information, but I don’t think it’s possible, and without that, I think misinterpretation is going to keep happening, and folks are going to start getting more and more anxious. With the current switch around of the whole crew, and my time being more and more filled with outside activities, it might be for the best if I just gave this particular group a rest for a while. (not toss ’em as friends, I do like and respect them… but if this sort of nonsense keeps up, I’m going to have to do something more serious, because I’m tired of feeling like I hurt someone’s feelings, or insulted them, but they don’t want to give specifics. I can’t defend against ghosts. I know how hard it can be, I’ve gotten a ‘meanie’ vibe from folks before, H included. Unforunately, my reaction might toss that vibe right back at folks, and I don’t want to do that. I want to be the big, fuzzy, nice guy who knows a lot of trivia and gets along with everyone. Maybe that’s too much to ask for.
Apr 7, 2000
Well, went to see road to el Dorado today, with my current Object d’amor. Hooked up about 2pm, got a warm welcoming hug, and I introduced Driver S to Date A. (S had her tubes tied yesterday, and was a bit crabby, but a good diplomat) We went to Einstein’s and had a tasty lunch of Chicken Salad (her) and a Veggie Bagel (me) which was tasty, but I forgot to tell them to skip the onion. (Far be it for me to wish breath of death on a companion, so I picked them off). It turned out that the movie started late (only 3:00 show is on weekends.) but it worked out ok, we ended up mallwalking & shopping (I lack the male traits of shopping aversion, and direction getting fear) for about 2 hours, talking, making silly commentary about the stuff at TJ Maxx and Target. Oh! I must remember to remind B about good grill stuff at Target! Nuts, I have to finish my work here. Note to continue from. Got good snuggles, and held hands on cab ride home, farewell hug. No Kisses yet, but getting closer, Talking tigger, barbie horns, toys. etc.
Apr 5, 2000
SHE walks in beauty like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that’s best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellowed to the tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One ray the more, one shade the less
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o’er her face,
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.
And on that cheek and o’er that brow
So soft, so calm yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow
But tell of days in goodness spent
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.
Lord Byron, (George Gordon)
Apr 4, 2000
Well, Mr journal, much has happened. Saturday, A was at the theatre, and before I could figure out how to ask for her number, she offered it to me. Hoody-hoo! I think this Karma thing really works! Anyhow, We went on a date today, before I went in to work. She was Beautiful. (And was wearing platforms! I’d guess that she was about 6’2 or more in them. How wonderful.) She greeted me with a warm hug, and we went roaming around. (Both of us are without car.) We took a tour of the local amenities, Borders, the wacky clothes store (She’s a shoe horse… with great taste in foolish footwear.) the Gay pride shirt shop. I discovered not without too much aplomb that she shares my sense of humor, political views and lifestyle sense. (in a nutshell, she’s goofy & a wee bit crass, in favor of personal choice as long as noone is hurt, and no car) From there, we discussed all sorts of stuff, where she’s from, pets, roommates (one of which is getting over chicken pox), tattoos (there’s one, I’ll keep it secret, but I did see it.) and two piercings (which, sadly, I didn’t get to see, but hopefully on a future adventure.) She used to have a nose and eyebrow pierced too, but removed them so she could find work. (used to have pink hair too…I’d love to see what that looked like. her current crop on top is a pretty brunette.) She has a beautiful smile, and eyes I could look into for years. We took a cab to the mall, and got pizza and cherry cokes (She’s got a poor-paying job, so was careful with my money, which I appreciate, but didn’t sweat too much, I enjoy paying for meals and entertainment of my date) Apparently that was the first Pizza she’d had in like 6 mos, as she doesn’t get to eat out much. We saw ‘Final Destination, which was a nice silly horror flick, that allowed us to mock it due to the lack of other folks in the theatre. (we were about 1/2 of the population there, and we got in free due to her film connections.) Got some hugs in, and dropped her home, then went in to work. she says she’ll ring me up about getting together later this week, I hope I’m not totally mistaken about her liking me. Mm-boy! It’s good to be near & romantic a pretty, and intelligent woman.